Harmonizing Qi is a practice that brings communication to all parts of the body, mind, and spirit.
I have places within me that are so tight, stubborn, and stuck that they cause me great pain and restriction. Sometimes it hurts for days, and sometimes a couple of weeks or months. Then mysteriously, years have gone by and I realize that I have learned to live with this pain.
But what is that pain? Why is it there, and why am I willing to live with it? When did it become normal to live with restriction and pain?
Sitting by myself, I take a breath and my mind starts its usual chatter. Five minutes pass before I realize that I have been swept off the course of meeting with the source of this pain, yet again. Next my inner big mouth comes out and starts the lecture about my lack of discipline. Another five minutes disappear into the past. My pain remains. I’m still sitting here though. I try again. Another breath and another attempt to feel beneath the locked muscles, right into the pain, into the story being held away from my consciousness.
This hurts. I get my breath going and I hold myself steady for another attempt. I find a moment of soft effort that brings me to the outer layer of pain. The pain holds steady, the muscles hold tight. I feel how my whole body participates in holding a shape that allows for this stuck, dense, weaving of tight muscles, tendons, ligaments, and energy to keep itself fixed around whatever is causing the pain.
It’s me and this place now, face to face but not communicating. I breathe and keep my attention here, at the boundary of my pain. If I push at all, the wall tightens, and the pain increases. Now, here comes my inner big mouth: “This is stupid. You are stupid. You need a real doctor not this crap. If this was a real problem, you would go to a real doctor. Besides, it’s not that bad, you can still function. You don’t have time for this. This is going to take forever. Do you even know if this is going to work? Aren’t you tired of sitting here? Isn’t it time for coffee? How about you go do something useful instead of sitting here like a blob? Hey, did you hear that? What’s that? You should think about what that was, maybe it was a rare bird that they thought was extinct. Go look. Get your camera, get a picture, and you’ll be famous!”
Another breath. This time is different. I don’t give up. I don’t drift away. I don’t get angry in return. I breathe again. I find a flowing place within me that is steady, strong, and soft all at the same time. Here is my power. Here is the source of healing. I breathe and keep myself with the soft and steady. I wait willingly, quietly, and respectfully.
I have found the part of myself that honors and remembers the knowledge that love, freedom, and joy are the flowers of life. I am a person worthy of living these qualities; living a life of receiving and giving love and joy within this wondrous body. I know this is as true for me as it is everyone else. Now I feel the communion of dirt and plants, trees and birds, squirrels and other animals that live with the trees, bugs, rivers, moss, rocks, the sun and moon, the space that cradles us all.
Now that I am here, I know I will never leave. I will stay here, waiting for this knot to feel the honor and love that is pouring out of this well of healing. I will not give up on myself again. I will remain here and bring the healing energy of my persistent, focused, love to that part of myself that is so afraid to feel. It has locked itself within a wall so thick for so long, that it cannot reach out to communicate. Tension like this can only recoil in rage and fear when poked and prodded.
This is the end of my battle with myself and the beginning of healing. I will not wage a war on my pain. I have already tried that and it has never worked. Never.
This is the beginning of summoning up all of my courage to live inside the healing river that I know is my life force. From here, I compassionately, patiently, and persistently call out to the source of my pain.
It is time for us talk.
Thank you Cindy for sharing your deepest truths with such clarity and beauty.
You are welcome! Thanks for commenting, I appreciate knowing you were here, or there…. 🙂